Stress Relief
by Lalita Romane
Summary: Van Kleiss just can't seem to catch a decent break. It is enough for any self-respecting evil genius to go a little crazy. But it is ok, Van Kleiss has a system you see...


Stress Relief

Quote: It does not matter that I have written the worst thing you have ever read or, in fact, will ever read, and that you will never get its memory out of your head. No, what is important, is that because of its utter awfulness, you will never forget it, or, by extension, me.

An: I have watched exactly one episode of this show. My friend wanted me to make one, so I am. I really hope I don't insult anyone with its sheer awfulness. ^^'

Disclaimer: I do not own this show. I do not own the featured song. I do not own anything that you think sounds even a little familiar. I do own the story as a complete whole though.

0~$~0

Van Kleiss was having a bad day. Scratch that, Van Kleiss was having a terrible day. He was sick of all of his careful and totally foolproof plans falling through because of that Rex kid. He was too big for his britches, even if he did fill them well and that hair…. WAIT! Back on track. Anyway, Van Kleiss was just not in a very good mood. But all of that was going to change. Oh yes, it was all going to change. Because this time he had an even bigger, more epic, entirely fool proof plan that would bring the whole world to its knees. Including that rex.. he was going to get his. And maybe a little more if Van Kleiss could get away with it. Chuckling evilly he set out to accomplish his master plan.

0~$~0

Van Kleiss was no longer in a bad mood. Van Kleiss was pissed. He was prowling around his lair like a large and overgrown emo brat. His wonderful, amazing, foolproof plan was foiled by a little monster _again._ It didn't even look _hard._ Stupid bendy straw. And if it hadn't been for that balloon, everything would have still been ok. But NO the fucking balloon had to get involved.

Growling, he walked over to his door and shut it, not bothering with the lock. He knew that no one would dare disturb him now. It was time to just try to relax. Calm down Vany Mcvan my man. It was going to be ok. He was going to calm down now. Then he was going to crush that little cockroach with his high heel boots. Crunch crunch crunch, done. See? Calmness.

Once he had managed to conjure up enough death scenes to effectively get a clear thought through, he decided to turn on the radio. Harmless enough right? It's just a radio, nothing to do with Rex. Maybe he should make a station where they only played songs condemning him to a life of eternal suffering? That would be nice. Good music to relax to. He would order it in the morning. First he would shower, and listen to the radio. Solid plan. Foolproof even. And no rotten, annoying, beautiful, vindictive, delicious, manipulative, amazing, brats to get in his way. Brilliant.

_0~$~0_

Van Kleiss stepped out of his shower and put on his pink robe, and brown bunny slippers. They may not match, but they sure were cute. He smiled down at his feel. Cute little feet. He wiggled his toes. Adorable really. Suddenly realizing what he was doing, straightened up and looking around the empty room with a 'what in the hell are you looking at? This is perfectly normal behavior' look he stalked out leaving the very walls laughing at him.

He didn't bother to change before he flipped on the radio. Static. He fiddled with the dial a little. More static. He kind of hit it a little with his palm. If anything it got worse.

Growling he slammed his fist down on the top of it. Suddenly crystal clear sound started to slip out. Works every time he thought to himself. He grabbed a towel and sat on his bed. He bent over and started to scrub his head with the towel, vainly trying to get the water out of his long mane. All of a sudden he sat up with a snap, wet hair forgotten.

It was his _song. HIS SONG!_ Laughing he stood up and began to swing his hips back and forth as he balled up his towel to use as a mic.

Then, he began to _sing._

Cruised into a bar on the shore  
Her picture graced the grime on the door  
She a long lost love at first bite  
Baby maybe you're wrong, but you know it's all right  
That's right!

In all truth, his singing wasn't actually so _bad _as it was_ disturbing._ And he continued to sing at the top of his voice using his one available hand to add sparkle fingers along his sides outlining his body.

So never judge a book by its cover  
or who you're going to love by your lover  
Love put me wise to her love in disguise  
she had the body of a Venus  
Lord imagine my surprise

That, that Dude looks like a lady  
That, that Dude looks like a lady  
That, that Dude looks like a lady  
That, that Dude looks like a lady!

This is when he suddenly dropped the 'mic' and used his hands to reach back and slap his ass and wiggle it around in a terrible parody of the pop lock and drop it.

Baby let me follow you down  
Let me take a peek dear  
Baby let me follow you down

He dropped down to his knees, and started shaking like he is having a seizure.

Do me, do me, do me all night  
Baby let me follow you down  
Turn the other cheek dear  
Baby let me follow you down  
Do me, do me, do me, do me!

With each 'do me' he shook harder and harder. He went to his hands and knees and started swinging his head around like some kind of deprived animal. Unfortunately he wasn't paying too much attention to his surroundings; he was just so immersed in his music. On one particularly vicious swing, the side of his head slammed full force into the side table with a huge thunk, knocking him unconscious.

0~$~0

Circe was sitting on the couch, not too far away, in the living room, just reading a book. She heard when he suddenly started screaming his song. She pushed it to the side just assuming the old man was going a bit crazy. Or crazier, depending on how you saw it. When she heard him start screaming 'do me!' and getting lightheaded she just shuddered, and assumed he was with one of his little.. toys. When the screaming finally abruptly stopped she just closed her book and grimaced. She turned and walked back to her room mumbling about crazy old men and their kinks.

THE END!

Well, I hope that wasn't too terrible, considering I'm just working with I character iv only really been told about. ^^ I hope you actually liked it, or if it didn't, you laughed at something. Whether it was how terrible my story was, or an actual funny thing I wrote, I hope you enjoyed it (or mocking it as the case may be). If you liked it or you hated it please review and tell me what you think please! I always want to improve.^^


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